


How to save a life

by Zhadyra (Shizuka_Kuroko)



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Also known as: I totally have a gay crush on Isabella, Angst, But like romantically thirsting, Canon Compliant, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, I also have no clue how to write dialogue apparently, It's really really JJ centric, Kinda, M/M, Pining, Polyamorous jean-jacques Leroy, Slow Burn, Supportive isabella yang, also, and it hurts, hanahaki, heavy pining yes, like really supportive, polyamorous jj, so much thirsting JJ now, thirst, this is less pliroy than it should be probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-03-16 06:44:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13630839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shizuka_Kuroko/pseuds/Zhadyra
Summary: "Breathing is a difficult thing when you're on the ice.""So he goes on and burries his face in her shoulder while it's blissfully quiet, for once, and somehow there is no pressure at all on his chest. He breathes her scent, her warmth and somehow it's easy.""They're both smiling and somehow in the golden light from the lustres with that smile on his face Yuri is looking ethereal.""Of course he knows what Hanahaki disease is. Unrequited love lets flowers grow in your chest until you die because of them."





	1. He smiles politely back at you, You stare politely right on through

**Author's Note:**

  * For [voxane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/voxane/gifts).



> This is for the pliroy valentines exchange! I had a really tight schedule and not much time for writing and then I fell ill, too, so it may not be as good as it could have been.
> 
> Also Important: I will not tag Major Character Death. I do not tag Major Character death in Hanahaki stories. If you read Hanahaki you know there is the possibility of someone dying. You also know there is the possibility of someone not dying. So don't jump to conclusions. I don't say that it will have a mcd, because I am writing this and I don't say that it won't have a mcd, because I didn't tag it.

Breathing is a difficult thing when you're on the ice.

It's difficult, because you're exhausting yourself and your breathing gets faster, because you're in need of more oxygen.

It's difficult, because you're overwhelmed by emotions. Gratefulness, for standing there, for being able to participate. Love, for your parents, your coaches, your partner, for being there with you. Anticipation, and then relief, when you are making it through the the studied movements.

It's difficult, because when you're failing, you're failing them all.

When it doesn't quite work how you want it to, when you flub a jump, make a triple a double, when you just can't get a spin centred right, you are letting them all down.

You feel their eyes on you, staring, judging.

Maybe he wasn't worth supporting.  
Maybe he wasn't as good as he always claimed.  
Maybe he wasn't as good as it always seemed.  
Maybe he wasn't a king.  
Maybe he wasn't worth supporting.

It's difficult for him to breath, because maybe now he won't win, maybe he will never be as good as Yuri Plisetsky, maybe he will never reach the top.

It's difficult, because maybe he will never rule the world, maybe he isn't doing his best, maybe he will never break any walls, maybe he will never reach the stars and -more importantly- will never be able to show anyone how to.

It's difficult for him to breathe, because maybe, just maybe, he will give up, even though he said he would never.

It's difficult for him to breathe, because there is something stuck in his throat and it wants to get out.

It's difficult for him to breathe, because he just did let them all down.

It's difficult for him to breathe, because it's silent and he isn't a man of silence. It's loud wherever he goes. _He's_ loud wherever he goes.

His breathing goes ragged, he's choking, he's coughing, but then there isn't silence anymore.

A cheer is breaking through the silence, the oppressing, frightening silence that is so not him; a cheer in a familiar voice and the breathing suddenly isn't so hard anymore.

He looks up when others join in on her cheering. In on Isabella's, Bellas cheering. His fiancée. His beautiful, somehow still cheering fiancée.

He can't see her, when he finally gets the courage to get up, driven by her voice that has now mixed with so many others.

He promised her to marry her when he'd win gold. But he can't.  
He can't win gold anymore. He can't marry her anymore.  
He let her down, too, together with everyone else.

He arrives at the rim of the rink, stepping down off of the ice and there are his parents, that he let down.  
But maybe he didn't, because while they appear to be crying, they still smile at him, hug him and tell him that they're proud, so proud, JJ.

He moves to the kiss and cry in complete shock. It all goes by in a blur. The kiss and cry, the rest of the competition, the medals, which he somehow managed to snatch one of and suddenly, everything is quiet again.

But this time it's a good kind of quiet. It's no oppressing silence, it's not even silent altogether.  
It's quiet because he's in the arms of his Bella, his fiancée and she is crushing him and she is telling him how proud she is, too, and how much she loves him and how much she wants him happy.

He let her down, but she doesn't seem to care.

So he goes on and burries his face in her shoulder while it's blissfully quiet, for once, and somehow there is no pressure at all on his chest. He breathes her scent, her warmth and somehow it's easy.

In that moment he decides he's going to marry her anyways.

\-----

The banquet is something he was afraid of. He had thought that he was undeserving of bronze, he had thought that others would think so, too. And they do, they think he robbed Otabek, they think it wasn't right that he won a medal, they think he's not deserving.

But with the warmth of Isabella by his side, he can't seem to bring himself to care.

He's happy, he's warm, he's smiling and for this evening the world is okay, at least.

He's talking to Otabek, who he hasn't seen in a long time and who does think he earned that medal.  
He's drinking champagne and smiling and they are talking about their time in Canada until they are interrupted by a beautiful blonde ball of fury that demands Otabeks attention. And Otabek gives in, because of course he does.

The evening is golden like the wallpapers and the champagne and Yuri Plisetsky hair and they are having fun, so much fun.

It's no surprise that when they all are slightly tipsy Christophe Giacometti whips out a pole from seemingly nowhere and a dance battle that apparently has now become somewhat tradition starts.

He doesn't know how, but in the end, he winds up standard dancing with none other than Yuri Plisetsky. It's weird, thinking of the dislike against him that Yuri usually conveys. But they are intoxicated and it doesn't matter, it just all doesn't matter anymore.  
And Bella is laughing and filming them from where she stands next to Otabek who is trying (and failing) to suppress the smile on his face and JJ can't bring himself to mind, because he is so so happy to just have a night where Yuri doesn't hate him, even has fun with him. They're both smiling and somehow in the golden light from the lustres with that smile on his face Yuri is looking ethereal.

But even though it's perfect and Yuris hand on his shoulder and his other hand in JJs are feeling wonderful, his chest is tight and his throat itching. Breathing is starting to become harder and while he first thinks it's because of the dancing, he soon realises that there is something else.

Something else that is suffocating and not feeling nice at all.  
Something else that he needs to get rid of before it hurts him.

Yuri looks over at Isabella and Otabek and he shoots JJ a look. He doesn't even need to ask, doesn't even need to think, because they understand each other easily despite their differences.  
He spins Yuri, spins him around and around until they come to a halt and JJ is bowing before Yuri, how it is common courtesy. In total sync they share another look and storm towards their respective partners. And now JJ is spinning Bella and Yuri is being spun by Otabek. And they are laughing at each other again, because their plan was effective and they are still drunk and the night is just fun, so much fun.

But JJs chest still feels tight whenever he looks at or thinks about Yuri and this time, not even Bella can alleviate the pressure.

\-----

The next morning he doesn't remember going to bed. He doesn't remember leaving the banquet.

He remembers gold, a hand in his and dancing, so much dancing. It feels like a dream.

His chest burns thinking about it, but his mind is flooded with endorphins.

When he opens his eyes and finds a red flower petal next to him on the pillow it seems familiar, but he doesn't know why. He takes it in between his fingers, then gently lays it onto his nightstand. Maybe he'll ask Bella. Maybe she knows.

He turns around, looking into her face, her beautiful, smooth face and suddenly he wants to kiss her, wants to kiss her badly.  
But she's sleeping and he won't disrupt her. The pressure on his chest, the burning is still there, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

He strokes a strand of her hair behind her ear and decides to just lay there until she wakes up.

He doesn't immediately address the petal when she wakes. She snuggles closer to him and he lets her. How could he not?

But later, when she is completely awake, he asks her.

"I found this petal on my pillow this morning.", he says and he watches her face falling like she just woke from a bad dream and realised it wasn't a dream, it was reality.

He can't do anything as he watches her falling apart, starting to shed tears.  
"You don't know what this means?", she asks, incredulous nearly accusingly. But he just shakes his head, clueless.

That makes her cry even harder.  
"It's Hanahaki disease", she whispers and he can't answer, can't move, can't even think.

Of course he knows what Hanahaki disease is. Unrequited love lets flowers grow in your chest until you die because of them. It's cruel, it's horrible and it's the worst thing that could have happened to him. Because he knows, he knows who he has a crush on, and it is a crush, because there are no real flowers yet, only petals, but he knows and he doesn't want it. He doesn't want this crush or this flowers and he most certainly doesn't want to make Bella cry.  
But he has this crush and he has the flowers and Bella is crying.

And he doesn't know what to do, because he doesn't want to ruin Bellas life by dying, but he also doesn't want to let go of Yuri Plisetsky.


	2. And pray to God he hears you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I fucking hate this. I had a perfect beginning of the chapter, like nearly half of it. I liked it. I wanted to publish it today (march 1st), because it's Yuris birthday and it has been long enough. But nope, ao3 decides to delete the entire chapter and I do not have a backup, stupid as I am. I feel like crying, but I probably won't. I'll probably attempt to rewrite it and see if I can publish something today anyways.
> 
> Turns out I couldn't, I didn't have that much time and I was demotivated because of the whole thing. The original was longer and I liked it way better, but we can't change what happened, sadly.
> 
> Still, have fun with this chapter!

_He didn't mean to. It wasn't his fault._ Or at least he tries to tell himself that.  
It isn't his fault.

Except it is. 

It is his fault, for he fell for someone who isn't Bella, for someone else, too. Bella. What must she think of him? Bella is the best thing that has happened to him in his whole life, what must she go through at this moment? Her eyes are glittering with tears, they are running down her cheeks. But she needs to know, he needs to tell her- "Bella," he chokes, "Bella you know I lo-" 

"Don't. I know. I know, JJ. You love me. I do not doubt that at all. You love me with all of your being, you keep proving that over and over. I know. I don't blame you. For anything.", she says, cupping his cheeks with her hands and looks up at him with those piercing grey-blue eyes. And he falls forward, stumbles, because that's all the confirmation he needs. She expects him, welcomes him with open arms, lets him burry his face in the crook of her neck when the tears start filling his eyes now, too. 

He's going to die. He's going to die, because some stupid blonde boy looks perfect and has a character that JJ is enamoured with, even if that boy doesn't even like him to begin with. It's hopeless and it's stupid and he's going to _die_. 

His breathing accelerates and he needs to tell them, needs to tell them all still so much, he isn't ready to die yet, isn't ready to give up his dreams, isn't ready to leave.

"You're enough, you know that? I love you. You're perfect for me, you're perfect. All I need is you.", he whispers, but the unspoken truth lays heavily between them. Isabella may be enough for him, but he's dying, because she isn't. 

"I'm so sorry. I'm so so sorry. I never wanted to do this to you.", he whispers. She just cries harder.

But then she's pushing him back, holding him at arms length, looking into his eyes and even though there are tears running out of her eyes, so so many tears and he absently wonders how she still keeps producing more, she smiles at him. It isn't her usual smile, it isn't cheerful or happy or any of these things. It's sad, but she's fighting, fighting so hard to smile at him and he can tell it's real, it's genuine. 

"Don't you dare apologise for this. Don't you dare.", she fixates him again and there is a moment where the air grows thicker and the tension is almost palpable. He can see the storm in her eyes, the grey outweighing the blue and she is so beautiful, so perfect that he feels water running down his cheeks with renewed vigor. And she takes him in again, hugs him, clings to him as if their life depended on it. She won't let go and he is grateful for it. 

No word is said about it, the question unasked of who it is that makes him cough up petals, because they know it's not the time or the place and for the moment they just relish in each other's closeness.

How JJ knows Bella, she has her own suspicions anyways.

\-----

They are slow to start into the day, they take their time.  
Usually his parents, his coaches, everyone would already swarm them, pester them, but not today. 

Today they start slow, with tears, hugging. And while this might not be ideal, it's the best they can do.  
Isabella insists they go eat breakfast, not caring about JJs diet, just eating whatever they want and they get away with it.  
Somehow nobody stops them, keeps them from loading everything they can onto their plates when they go eat at the buffet of the hotel they stayed in. 

Their eyes are probably still red and nothing is solved, nothing is okay, but they still smile at each other, Isabella poking fun at JJ when he loads his entire bowl full with ice cream that has way too many calories to be good for him. 

But everyone lets them be, because their peace, their happiness still looks fragile and maybe because they need something good after working so hard. And he did well, yesterday, did incredibly well for failing. 

It's another day, another start and while it was wobbly, it went on perfect with ice cream for breakfast. 

They still don't talk about it, not wanting to shatter the quiet and relaxed atmosphere that has built without them noticing. 

Today is the day of the exhibitions, the day where JJ will surprise Bella once again, the day that has been and still is so important to him and he can't help but think about something else. He can't help but think of fine blond hair and green blue eyes crinkled with a smile. And he hates himself for it. 

He needs to clear his mind before he skates today and the first step is turning all of his attention towards his fiancée. 

\-----

His costume is black. It's unlike his normal costumes, unlike the purple and green he wore in his other programs this season. It's simply black, a suit that envelopes his entire body save his head, it's plain, modest and straightforward. He wants to show nothing but his true self today. The focus isn't on the costume, isn't on him, but rather on what he wants to say. 

There haven't been any more petals and his throat doesn't feel so sore so maybe the chances aren't so bad.

The exhibition is something he was looking forward to, still is. The exhibition is special, is different and everyone loves it. 

When Yuuri Katsuki skates on the ice and is joined by Viktor Nikiforov nobody can really say they are surprised. After the kiss and their entire sickeningly sweet behaviour on and off screen nobody can really say they are surprised when their exhibition skate turns out to be exactly that. 

And JJ isn't a spoilsport, quite the contrary, and he is really happy for them, and he finds himself enjoying the program with his entire being. They are romantic, they deserve each other and all of it is so incredibly heartwarming and sweet that he cannot not smile. 

But his throat starts to ich, still, when he thinks about being on the ice like this with someone. He can practically feel the slender statue of a body when he would lift it, the longer hair brushing his face- he stops the thoughts before they can establish themselves and tear him apart.

The applause is great when the pair steps off of the ice and they are grinning and kissing and JJ is just really happy for them, so happy that it makes his heart ache. 

It's not his turn yet, but still Isabella is standing by his side and squeezing his hand, because she knows what follows. 

Yuri Plisetsky.

And he does follow. What an entrance he makes. 

His outfit doesn't fit overall with the other ones he wore this season and he holds himself tall, glaring down everyone behind dark sunglasses who dares to even look at him.  
But no matter how many daggers Yuris eyes send into his direction, JJ can't bring himself to look away. 

Yuri is not looking ethereal anymore. He isn't the fairy of Russia, isn't the princess that JJ liked to call him. He's black fabric, burning rage behind dark shades, purple glitter and sharp edges.  
The golden cross around his neck contradicts with the leather gloves and JJ never has been more gone for a look. 

His eyes are fixated at Yuri when he walks by, he nearly misses Otabek following. 

His throat constricts and he can't breathe, they take the ice and the music starts playing.

Like his outfit, the music stands in a deep contrast to the rest of Yuris season. And it's not bad, not bad at all and suddenly JJ understands.

This is Yuri. 

In the exhibition this year they show who they are. Usually the play a role, on the ice, they are someone else, or show just a part of themselves for the sake of a show.  
But now, today, in the exhibition it's different. 

Yuuri Katsuki and Viktor Nikiforov lay down their love for everyone to see, let everyone see that Yuuri is more than just pure sex with skates and that Viktor is more than just a golden boy in more than one way.  
Their love strips them down to the barest they can be, the purest form of their existence, because their love is all that matters in that moment. And JJ understands this, understands this now, after this morning, better than ever before. 

Yuri Plisetsky on the other hand was never delicate or angelic or pure, like his programs insituated. He isn't a fairy or a princess, JJ sees it, realises it in the exact moment the lights focus on Yuri and are reflected by the purple gem stones on his jacket. Yuri is a punk with a bad attitude, he's rough edges and metal.  
So it shouldn't be a surprise when metal blasts through the entire hall, the first tones already making the ground vibrate.  
This is Yuri how he really is, how he wants to be seen.  
He's the ice tiger of Russia now and JJ realises his mistake.

The movements are rough, forceful and full of edges, impulsive, just like Yuri himself. Just by seeing him skate like this, there is so much to learn about his being, about Yuri himself. 

JJs eyes are drawn to the motions and his grip on Isabella's hand tightens. Maybe he can't do this after all. Because the way this kid moves is sinful, is beautiful. It feels like a dance created by the devil himself to allure everyone watching.  
And it's working. Because as much as he wants, JJ can't relax his hand, can't unclench his jaw.  
He's locked up, his entire body unable to move, unable to look away, even if that's what he should to do, needs to do or everything is going to get worse again.

When the sunglasses come half down and the audience gets a glimpse of Yuris eyes and JJ sees the _eyeshadow_ he is sure he's going to die right here, right now. This is going to kill him if not through the flowers that he can practically feel growing in his lungs just by watching, then definitely through his accelerating heartbeat and therefore heart failure.

His throat seizes up and something is tickling the back of his throats when the jacket goes, thrown down onto the ice after being abused so good.  
He needs to cough, needs to get this out of his throat, the petal, but he can't help but think _not now, just another moment, just not now._

The light changes, an orange red displays now the not that small part of skin that the loose top reveals, flinging up and down in a way that makes JJ dizzy. He can't breathe. He can't breathe and Yuri is doing a split now and those legs in those skinny leggings look even longer than they should have any right to and _he can't breathe._

Otabek, his old friend and rink mate Otabek comes into view now, illuminated by a spotlight, leaning against the edge of the rink casually and JJ definitely needs to get ahold of his emotions, his gayness, because this wasn't planned. Because the way Otabeks hair falls into his eyes should be forbidden. He is soft leather, the smell of black coffee and JJ knows him and he can't help but think how well he fits in this whole performance. How well he fits with Yuri Plisetsky.  
He can't find it in him to be even the slightest bit jealous.

The light goes back to purple, Yuri stops in front of Otabek, Beks, and he takes off his sunglasses and throws them into the crowd.

He is a punk with a bad attitude, he's rough edges and metal. And JJ thinks his heart has stopped beating altogether because it can't keep up the tempo. The eyeshadow does something to him that he can't describe and the way Yuri just does things without giving a single fuck what others might think, what others might expect of him. 

The blonde looks down at Otabek again, throws him his hand and Beks takes it and tears of the leather glove, fitting so perfectly. They don't break eye contact once when Yuri throws back his hand again and brings forth his other, forcefully, and then Otabek is tearing of the other glove with his teeth and JJ lets go of Isabella's hand that he squeezed, hard, to bring his hands both up to his mouth to cough before he suffocates.

He turns away, shielding his whole mouth with his hands so no one sees, so no one notices that when his body is wrecked with tremors red flower petals spill into his hands. He can't stop them anymore and he doesn't even try to.

He turns back just in time, hypnotised, burning red petals clutched in his closed hands, to see the cantilever that exposes Yuris entire upper body and promptly turns back to cough again. There is no way this is legal, there is no way this will not kill him.

He looks up again, before the performance ends with Otabek shooting Yuri dead with his gun formed fingers and it's ironic because Yuri isn't the one who's dying, it's JJ and it's not because of Otabek but because of Yuri, it's not by something violent like a gun but by something beautiful like love and the irony in this is the last drop that has him turning on his heels and get away from this. 

\-----

He can't stay away long, of course he can't, he will take the ice after Yuri, but the few seconds that Yuri takes to get up, to bow and to get off the ice are enough. JJ flees to a restroom nearby and washes off the petals mixed with saliva sticking to his hands. He can't do this. 

He breathes in, breathes and his breath is caught on something that sill resides inside of him. And he can't tear it out, can only let it tear him apart. 

He returns to the rinkside composed, at least looking like he is and he smiles at his parents, when they wish him luck. Isabella has been sent away to the stands already, he can't let her anchor him, can't find the calm he is looking for yet. 

But then he takes his place in the middle of the ice, focusing on the moment, on everything that matters now and it isn't Yuri Plisetsky. It isn't his illness, it isn't flowers with red petals that he doesn't recognise. It isn't the knowledge that his life might be ending, it isn't anything that doesn't matter.

This performance isn't for the ice tiger of Russia, it isn't for an illness or for flowers he coughs up. 

This performance is for the most beautiful person in the world, it's for his grounding rock, for everything he lives for.  
This performance is solely for her, for Bella.

He thinks of how she squeezes his hand back when he held onto her, how her hands felt on his cheecks when she wiped away his tears, how her arms encircled him this morning, how she smells and how she is there with him when he needs her and far beyond just those times. She will stay with him, will never give up on him, even if he has.  
When he doesn't know how to reach the stars, when he forgets, she makes sure he remembers, shows him the way how to. 

This performance is solely for her, for Bella. 

And nothing else is on his mind in this moment when the first notes start playing and the soft voice starts singing.  
It's a song he deemed a perfect fit, he loves it, loves her. It's perfect for them.

He starts to move, his movements fluid and meaningful and he can already tell this performance is going to be breathtaking, is going to be the best he skated this season and he smiles despite himself. 

He isn't thinking of red flowers or blond hair when "Perfect" by Ed Sheeran plays, he's thinking of cherry blossoms, vanilla scent and black hair and he puts all of the love he feels into his skating, because this is the massage he wants to convey. 

_I love you._

_I love you so so much._

_Thank you._

_You are perfect and I don't deserve you._

_I love you, with all of my heart, with all of my being._

She hasn't seen this program before, it's a surprise for her, and it fits just all the better, because she is still here with him after everything that has happened.  
He smiles and jumps, landing flawlessly and this entire program is perfect, every single thing until he kneels in the middle of the ice, the end of the program.  
There are tears forming in his eyes, he can feel it and there is a lump in his throat, that for once doesn't come from flowers. 

Unwittingly his eyes find Bellas in the crowd, even if that's nearly impossible and he sees her face, takes in everything and burns it into his memory.  
She knows and her expression is beautiful like everything about her.

He gets up, bows and gets off of the ice as fast as possible.

He hugs his parents, puts his skate guards on and doesn't immediately run. 

But when he sees Bella, there is no holding back. They fall into each other, his face in her hair, her face at his chest.  
She pulls back, just to jank him down into a kiss, cupping his face with her hands. And he endulges her, how could he not?  
He's smiling and wrapping his arms around her waist and she tastes like mint and ice and a gentle summer breeze and he wants to hold onto her forever. 

He knows there are still flowers, he knows he isn't cured. They are still filling his lungs, growing bigger by the second, scratching at the back of his throat, but in this moment it doesn't matter. 

He still feels the sensation, but it doesn't inconvenience or hurt him at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I have an explanation as for why this is so late. I started writing this chapter not that long after March the 1st. It should have gone online at the beginning of march.  
> But then something old and bad came up again and I really can't handle it. It fucked with my entire mental health and this ruined my school work, my what not and it drained my entire energy.  
> So I'm sorry this is late, but I tried.  
> It's also 2:49am here, I just finished writing this and it started to rain gently (yay!!!). 
> 
> Also you may have noticed the higher chapter number. I realised I'll never make all of this in 3 chapters and yeah. There's still stuff to come and this entire mess, especially the wttm part took me way longer than planned and in the end turns out way longer than originally planned. But I kinda like it. 
> 
> If there are mistakes, please tell me, I do not have a beta and I was tired or confused 99% of the time when I wrote this. Also: English is not my native language and I am really eager to get better at it.


	3. Some sort of window to your right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a week of contemplation I decided to upload this chapter despite the fact that it is too short for my liking. But I wanted to set the cut here and it turned out this length because of the flow of my writing. So it’s short, but I hope you still enjoy it.

When they are back home the first thing they do is to see a doctor.

Of course they know _something_ about Hanahaki, but it's generally a topic society doesn't talk about and avoids at all costs. It's natural, normal, but still treated like it's disgusting and shameful which it isn't.

The doctor tells them what they already know, Hanahaki is a disease born of unrequited love and it lets flowers grow in your lungs that grow until you suffocate and die.  
He also tells them that the flowers always have a meaning. There's an entire language of flowers and every flower is unique and tells you something about the kind of love you experience. They can find out what JJs flowers are.  
He also tells them that there is a cure to the illness. It's an operation, to remove the flowers, but it has a high cost. Not money, that isn't the issue, but rather the fact that you will loose every and all feelings and attractions you are experiencing towards this person forever and there is no way to get them back, you only ever will feel indifference towards them.  
He also tells them that he has never dealt with a situation like theirs, with polyamory and that there might be the possibility that the operation also takes his feelings for Isabella.  
If he will go on like this he will most definitely die. His best chances are to forget this crush of his or to get the person he is in love with to reciprocate.

But it is not that easy, never has been.

You can't just forget Yuri Plisetsky and you can't just get Yuri Plisetsky to fall in love with you or even like you. (Well, maybe Otabek can, but Yuri didn't have any prior feelings towards him and Yuri hates JJ.)

They leave the doctor’s maybe smarter than before, but still unknowing of what to do now.  
JJ only knows he doesn't want to loose his feelings.

——-

It’s quiet for some time.

There are petal, sometimes, but they don’t occur often. JJ tries not to think about Yuri, tries to be happy with Bella and it works, for some time.

But then there are the times where he’s dry heaving into the toilet or a bucket or a bin and flower petals fall from his lips and mix with tears.

And Bella is by his side through all of it. She’s smiling with him, kissing him senseless until they are lying in bed with each other, tired and still smiling at each other, softly. She’s crying with him, rubbing his back and embracing him after and she makes him feel safe when they just lay down in bed and she just holds him. She makes it stop hurting.

Luckily they smile more often than they cry.

They are cooking one time, when they have a talk. They still haven’t talked about the meaning of the flowers, not talked about the person JJ is undeniably in love with, one way or another, not talked about what to do. But Bella understands, somehow. She’s quiet, gentle when he needs her to be and she’s mischievous and daring when he needs her to be. 

“Bella.”, JJ says, but he’s not getting a response. Maybe the outlet above the stove is too loud and he spoke too quietly. Maybe she is distracted and he just didn’t get through to her. 

“Bella.”, he repeats.

It’s a normal day, completely normal and utterly domestic. They had stayed at home the whole day, JJ having the day off for once, a blessing with his intensified schedule when training for the Olympics, slept in, skipped breakfast and just spent time together, alone, something they savour indescribably. Maybe it’s the unspoken truth between them that JJ might be gone sooner or later, maybe they’ve always been like that.

She turns around, leaving the vegetables in the pan, turning around completely.  
JJ takes a step forward, towards her and closes the distance between them. She lays her hands onto his forearms, not before turning down the stove a bit, which is probably a good idea since the food is likely to burn when she indulges in JJs time consuming antics. 

The radio is playing, a song that now means much to them and they start to sway to the beat.  
It’s a Waltz, a Wiener Waltz, and JJ doesn’t hesitate long before he starts, taking position, Bella between his arms, her hands on his shoulder, in his hand. 

They are lucky their kitchen is big and open towards the living room, because like this they can dance like they are in a ballroom, with elegant, wide movements, she following him in every step. He’s lucky to have found her, that she completes him perfectly, that she just keeps up when he wants to dance or wants to to anything. She just keeps up, always.

He’s not even afraid at this moment, just jittery, nervous, but so so happy and they are smiling at each other and Bella, without make-up, without fancy clothes, both of them in their pajamas, barefoot, with unkempt hair is looking ethereal. 

There are no petals, no flowers when JJ kneels down, still keeping her hands in his.  
There are no petals, no flowers when JJ asks again, looking up at her with love in his eyes, because he already knows her answer.

He’s kissing the ring that he gave her, finding her eyes, crinkled with a smile.

“Will you still marry me?”, he asks and she smiles, smiles so wide he fears her face will split, smiles so happy, like he’s never seen her before and she’s just so perfect.

“Yes. Of course.”, she says and somehow JJ knows that she waited for this moment, wanted him to make that step and that she would have, without a doubt asked him herself if not for the fact that she wanted it to be his decision. His decision, to marry her without keeping his promise to win gold, to marry her without taking the chance to step back.

And maybe it’s selfish, because maybe he will die, or loose all feelings for her, but he knows for certain that it will be worth it, just alone the time they spent, he knows for certain that they both love each other too much to just let go and never having experienced this, never having sealed their bond before God.

He stands again and she kisses him, her hands around his head and the moment is perfect until the magic is broken by the stoves beeping, signaling that their food is about to burn.

——-

They start planning their wedding and the time flies by between white and golden cards, white and pastel laces for decoration and finding a location, all between practicing for the next competition, the Olympics.

It’s not always easy, when JJ has to train more than ever which leads to them having less time and JJ being more tired, but they make it work. They don’t plan on marrying right away, they will wait for after the Olympics, after worlds, in the off season. It’ll be more quiet and it’ll be easier to invite fellow skaters.

——- 

When the Olympics arrive, there haven’t been petals for a week, the longest he has gone without them.  
When the Olympics arrive, JJ thinks he is prepared, braced against the phenomenon that is Yuri Plisetsky.

He isn’t.


	4. Try to slip past his defense/Without granting innocence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have had pretty much stress again that’s why this is so late and short. I’m really trying to get this done, but i’m Not perfect and have flaws. Still have fun with the chapter.

When the Olympics arrive and they have brought their suitcases to their hotel room, JJ is tired from the flight.  
But Bella insists on going out to eat something, to meet up with Otabek, like they had promised.

They had kept in touch with him between competitions, video chatted regularly and they had grown close again, close like they had been back in the days of Otabeks time in Canada.  
JJ smiles thinking back on it and agrees, leaves his bed reluctantly, being pulled up by his fiancée. He loves the term still like when he had used it for the first time.

They meet up at a close restaurant to eat something and they are first to arrive there despite their flight having landed later.  
They already order something to drink and look through the menu.

JJ doesn’t even hear the sound of the door open, it’s isn’t exactly quiet in the restaurant and the door opens frequently, so he only notices when Bella starts waving and they are already arriving at the table. They. Because Otabek isn’t alone, no, Otabek has come together with no one other than Yuri Plisetsky. And when he immediately claims the chair across from Isabella the grumpy surprise guest has no other option than to take the chair facing JJ.

Even though he is thrown slightly off path he grins brightly and attempts to greet Yuri, but is interrupted by him.  
“I didn’t even know you two idiots would be here. I wouln’t even have come.”, he breathes, scowling off to the side.

“Oh come on Yuri, that’s not nice. We can be nice people if we want to.”, Isabella’s saccharine voice comes from his right, slightly pressed. “You even got along so well with JJ at the Grand Prix banquet, didn’t you?”, she smiles.

JJs head whips around facing her. Why would she bring this up now? That had happened ages ago. Or maybe it hadn’t. Maybe he’s just trying to forget it, trying to forget this ridiculous crush of his and trying to heal from his illness.

“Don’t tell me what to do, hag. I was fucking half-drunk!”, he proclaims, but there is a light pinkish shimmer on his cheeks that Otabek regards with an amused expression. JJs stomach drops. This is too much. He isn’t even hungry or tired anymore. He’s on edge, anxious not to reveal his illness, his crush, so anxious that he only feels the tension in his body when it leaves, Isabella laying a hand onto his leg. It’s soothing.

She’s soothing. He’s glad she’s here, because without her he wouldn’t get through this, he could never. Even if she is most definitely the mischief that set this up.

He knows that she knows. Knows it is Yuri Plisetsky that is the cause for the bad that is happening in their lives, knows it is Yuri Plisetsky that gives him a slow and painful death.

And she doesn’t resent him for it, doesn’t think any less of him for it.

JJ takes her hand, looking at her gratefully. She returns the glance and smiles softly, squeezing his hand.

”Ugh. Gross. Why am I here again?”, they are pulled out of their world, their bubble, the space that existed for a moment, only for them.

Just when Isabella wants to reply and JJ notices the strange look on Otabeks face a waiter interrupts them and they place their orders.

When he’s gone JJ expects uncomfortable silence, but that isn’t what follows. Only a moment after the waiter left Bella strikes up a conversation with Otabek, making it clear as to why they are sitting like they are sitting and leaving JJ and Yuri, not knowing what to say.

And there’s it is. It’s right then that the uncomfortable silence sets in, only disrupted by Isabella asking Otabek about his dj-ing, something she usually isn’t all that interested in. But apparently now it is the most interesting thing in the world.

God, why did they need to do that? Otabek was probably in on the plan, Isabella’s plan. But what was it? Getting Yuri to like him over a dinner? That was practically impossible. It wasn’t that easy with Yuri Plisetsky.  
Or were they trying to make him get over his crush? That wouldn’t work like that, that easy, simply by long therm exposure. It wasn’t that easy with Yuri Plisetsky.

The flowers wouldn’t just stop existing, because with every second, every new moment in Yuris presence JJ is reminded, again and again, of how perfect he is. The little frown lines that form when he scowls or the light freckles you can only see from a close distance because they are so light or the exact shade of his eyes in the soft light, making them stand out even more.

JJ always thought the entire thing that Otabek was making up about Yuris eyes was ridiculous, hilarious even. ‘Eyes of a soldier’, yes sure. How could a boy at maybe six years old have the eyes of a soldier?

He had called bullshit, but now, here, in the confined space of their booth, with the dimmed atmosphere of the room, the lights that seemed to drip onto Yuris skin like a mix of bronze and honey and highlighted the contrast of Yuris face, the light chatter that he ignored more and more, that slowly faded into the background, now, here, he could admit, quietly, to himself, that Yuri Plisetsky had the eyes of a soldier.  
That Otabek had been right all along that these eyes were unique and that the expression in them told much about Yuri, much that JJ wasn’t ready to see yet. Parts of Yuri Plisetsky that he didn’t know, hadn’t seen, because he was fighting, fighting a war, to keep up the punk facade, trying to be seen as a soldier, as the ice tiger of Russia and not as a fairy, a graceful, angelic, ethereal fairy. And JJ thinks he is both of them and he can’t help falling even more.

The cough is surprising when it comes.

Isabella needs to have thought of that. Isabella needs to have thought of a solution for this. There is nothing she can’t fix, nothing she hasn’t taken into account. JJs head automatically turnes towards her, with no control over anything he does. His head just moves. Isabella would know what to do. It wasn’t a bad cough, just a small one, one of the coughs that announce bigger coughs following, worse coughs. And he knows what he’s expecting, knows what kind of cough will come.

And Isabella knows it too. She lookes back from her talk with Otabek, interrupting herself, looking like a deer in the headlights. She can’t say anything, can’t let Otabek and Yuri know, can’t spill what is happening. They are exchanging glances and panicking. The tension is growing and JJ can feel the cough starting to grow in his throat, can feel the itch, the pressure that indicates that it wants to be freed, that the flowers can’t be contained any longer. The air is starting to get thin and he can’t breathe, _he just can’t breathe._

__

__

Otabek stands up.

Of course he noticed. He is gripping JJs arm tight, so tight it would hurt if he wasn’t distracted by the stinging in his lungs in his throat, everywhere, the pain of keeping the flowers down starting to take over his mind, his entire body.

The men’s room are quiet, empty, cold. Or at least the tiles are when JJ kneels down and starts to cough, to vomit, to let flowers spill from his lips. It isn’t beautiful, it isn’t romantic. He is dying. It’s festering. It’s getting worse and worse.  
The red petals are even more red, tinted darker, and they are wet, wet not only from the spit that inevitably clings to them every time. The blossoms, because there are blossoms now, petals connected to a bigger part of a plant are making his throat ache when he retches them up. It isn’t pretty. His crush isn’t just a crush anymore, he realises. He maybe wouldn’t call it love, or true love yet, but he is in for the long run. Or rather not, because he is dying because the flowers are killing him because he is in love with Yuri Plisetsky and it isn’t pretty. Even if the flowers are.

And Otabek, sweet, kind Otabek just stands there and pats his back, not knowing what else to do, not knowing what this all is about. But he had noticed.

When JJ is done, when his throat constricts and he is dry heaving again and again, cramping up, it is that Otabek, against everything that he seems to be, against everything that he is, lays his arms around him and hugs him.

Otabek isn’t one for hugs or physical contact in general. He is removed from people and doesn’t like them constantly getting into his face, like JJ often did and does.. JJ knows he tolerates it, because he likes him after all this time, but there has always been a clear line, a clear limit of what Otabek is comfortable with and what he is not. And JJ has always respected that, has always kept his distance, has always given Otabek his space, to not make him uncomfortable. And now Otabek initiated a hug and JJ wants to do nothing more than just hug him back forever and cry.

He knows he can’t. He can’t cry and turn up again with red eyes, because it would give him away.

But he already has been discovered. Otabek already knows what is up. Or definitely part of it. He is a sharp mind, it won’t take him long to think and realise who it is. He was just like Bella. And frankly, Yuri, as beautiful and perfect he is, is so dense, he wouldn’t even notice anything, would just keep scowling somewhere else.

So he turns around, his throat, his entire body slowly starting to relax again and hugs Otabek back, hugs him hard, nearly crushing him, because if he will get the chance to hug Otabek Altin, he will take it, will use it, enjoy it to its fullest. Even if it is a hug because he is dying.

Slowly they separate again, Otabek pulling JJ to his feet and after flushing the toilet without looking, just without looking at the flowers, the now dead, withering flowers, he makes his way over to the sink. There is blood on his lips, little specs of darker red on his skin. He washes it away and clears his mouth then drinks a little water to calm his sore throat. It still hurts and his voice is probably raspy, but it is the best he can do.

“I wasn’t going to tell you, but, well, I guess you found out. Or did Bella tell you something?”, he asks, looking at his friend through the mirror.

“No. She didn’t tell me anything. She asked me to help her to make you and Yuri be friends or at least friendly, that’s all. I’m sorry I interfered, but you both looked like you were panicking and I figured you would rather not vomit flowers in front of a crowd in a restaurant.”, he answers, voice monotone, completely void of emotion. JJ can’t tell what he is thinking at all.

“Well, I have it since the Grand Prix. It’s gotten worse. Bella and I talked about it, i’m polyamourous and she is okay with it. She’s been incredibly supportive, I don’t even deserve her. She’s been so great. I love this woman so much. We’re going to marry, you know? I’m going to marry Bella. I’m really going to marry Isabella Yang, my high school girlfriend and I should be so happy and I am happy and all, but then there is this goddamn illness and I just can’t each and-“, he is cut off by Otabeks hand on his shoulder.  
“It’s okay Jean. It’s okay. You deserve her. You are enough and it is okay.”, he says, squeezing JJs shoulder,”let’s get out of here again, back to the table. Let’s just see what we can do about Yuri.”, he smiles and walks away, holding the bathroom door open behind him.  
It wasn’t long and JJ followed.

  
The rest of the evening is more relaxed. JJ makes conversation with all of them, they all talk together. The plan that only Bella and Otabek would be talking with each other to practically force Yuri and JJ to interact obviously didn’t work out so well so they just chat, all of them, and Yuri is part of the exchange. JJ and Yuri bond over Otabek, JJ telling all kind of stories about Canada and their shared time at the rink. The evening is dimmed lights, heavy food, meat, the flickering of the candles standing on the table and Yuri Plisetskys incredible green blue eyes, starting to slowly loose their look of a soldier, starting to gain the look of a friend.

“You’re actually not that bad,” Yuri says at the end of the evening when they all part ways, and smiles and JJ only now realises that he is totally and utterly in love with this boy. The flowers come later and there are more than ever.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This will probably be longer than originally planned, but hey I love JJ, so why not?  
> This is not really inspired by "How to save a life", but I highly recommend listening to it. (It's also kinda showing Bella perspective in a way, but that's fetched kind of far.)
> 
> I also live for kudos bookmarks and especially comments!


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